January 10, 2003 | 12:42 a.m.
<- Damn the cravings ->
I'm disturbed, and let me tell you why. I just drove to three, Count 'em, THREE different Taco Bells until I found one open. Why you ask? Because I got this craving for a bean burrito and evidently my life would come to a screaching halt if I didn't get a burrito. What the hell is wrong with this picture? I'm at my friends house, havin a good time, I've already eaten Sonic earlier. It's Midnight, I bid them a fond farewell and as I'm walking to the car I decide that I MUST have a bean burrito. I wasn't really hungry, maybe a little, but not really. I just felt it necessary to have the blasted burrito. So, off I went on my little cross town adventure, finding an open Taco Bell. You'd think that after the first one I would of been at least put off, and THEN the second one should of deterred me, maybe been a sign from the skinny gods, "NO ALLY, DON'T DO IT!" But I blithely ignored their plea and went on looking. At last, a Taco Bell, it's lights still gleaming, it's drive through screaming, "come to me, come to me." So, I came to it, I ordered two bean burritos, no onions, add sour cream. I pulled around, paid my money and then ate my burritos as I drove home. (As a side thought, it drives Jer CRAZY that I always have to eat in the car, I refuse to wait until we're home before I start eating the food. However, it's not called fast food for nothing. But, I digress). So, I needed two bean burritos at midnight like I needed a giant hole in my freakin head. I mean good hell, my hips (we'll call them girty and mirty) are on the cusp of being assigned their own damn zip code. My arms are as big as my sisters thigh I'm pretty sure of it, and we won't even discuss MY thighs. So, WHAT drives a person to follow cravings like that, or to eat like that period? The tragic thing here is, I had had a good week, I was quietly watching what I was eating. Doin my own kind of "diet" (which shall heretofore be simply called "d" or "d" word). I was feeling VERY mildly in control of the sitch and I fully blew it. I think what started it was the doughnut I had at the womans meeting earlier in the evening, THEN, they gave me a Skor candy bar, because they spotlighted me as a person to get to know and I said that was my favorite candy bar. So, of course I had to eat that in the course of the evening. Oh my gosh, I HATE food, I HATE fat, I HATE how I can't just turn my back on food forever. You know, if you're an alcoholic, you can QUIT drinking, you don't NEED alcohol as a basic life source. But, as a foodaholic, you just can't STOP eating, what good is being skinny if you're gonna be dead. Oh the curse that is mine (and millions of others I'm fully aware). I once believed that I had to be fat, because otherwise I would have been a real ho and gotten into trouble with the boys. But alas, I got confidence in my later years, was still fat and still got in trouble with the boys. THEN, someone saw past the fat and married me, so NOW what's my excuse for the fat curse? Everyone I know is getting, or has got the gastric bypass surgery. One of my good friends is doing it in May, my ex bro-in-law is doing it in April, another friend is doing it in June, another one just had it done last month. Others I know had it done a year ago and have lost 100's of lbs. But, the surgery makes me nervous, I'm just not sure how I really feel about it. Then, there's Jared and his damned Subway sub diet. That man lost 245 lbs. and every time I see him, I really want to do that diet. But the reality is, he was literally spending at least $10.00 a day, which would be $70.00 a week on eating. Can anyone see how expensive this could get? How was his fat college going ass affording such eats? I mean Jared, I'm with ya, I'm all for 2 subs a day and let the fat melt away, but eeek. I even bought a Womans magazine once that had 4 women who all did the "Subway" diet after they saw Jared, and all of them had lost like 100+ lbs. If they can do it, why can't I? Ok, ok, so it boils down to self control, which I've clearly shown I do not have. Please note the aforementioned Taco Bell search. Now my cute husband is on Weight Watchers and kickin butt, my bro. is doing Body for Life and makin it work. My Sister just started doin a little Slim Fast (which is, well, I have opinions on that, but maybe another time). See how everyone has control but me? UGH!!!
ANYWAY...that was one seriously LONG rant on fat and cravings. Sorry!
Jer is in Chicago, visiting the fam, and he's loving it. He called earlier just to tell me it was snowing out. Give him snow, that's all he wanted, makes him as happy as a kid in a candy store. He called me tonight and was really mopey and sad sounding. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he just missed me too much, and needed me to be with him. It was shweet. I have to say, after I dropped him off at the airport, got home and did some stuff, I wandered into our bedroom, and I inexplicably started crying. It was about the most out of the blue reaction from me. I had to sit and hold his quilt and sniff his stuff. But, thankfully I pulled myself together and moved on with the day. I just didn't realize how much I'd miss having him in the house, or just knowing that he was in the same state as me. Needless to say, we've spent A LOT of time on the ol' cell phone. Bless those little things.
I've somehow got myself stuck going to a bar tomorrow night for a going away party. The tragedy here is, the party is for one of Jer's friends, I don't drink and I don't like bars. I'm not quite sure how this all happened, but going I am. There will be karaoke, and let me just state for the record, that while I'm a singer and a fine one at that, I SUCK, spell it out S-U-C-K at karaoke! I have NO soul! I have no sense of pop or rock or anything remotely like it. I never listen to the radio or to CD's or anything, so I do not know ANY songs all the way through. It's really quite tragic. So, people are always like, sing Ally, sing, you can do something, and inevitablly, I make a fool of myself. Jer on the other hand is a karaoke GOD, he's AMAZING!!! We had karaoke at our wedding reception, oh yeah, it's true. We had the FUNNEST reception, and Jer wowed the crowd with a few numbers, I didn one half ass attempt at a broadway song that I sucked up. OH the irony of it all.
Anyway, this is the most random and rambling entry on record. I must say ta ta for now. I know I mentioned writing about Symphonies and bad singers...perhaps next time.
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I'd like to give a shout out to my amazing parents and wish them the happiest of anniverseries. This will be number 38 for them! I LOVE that! I have amazing parents who have an amazing marriage. I have never in my life seen them so much as raise their voices to eachother. They were the kind that would practically make out in front of us. They always showed affection to eachother. They're truly enamored with eachother. One time, my dad and I were sitting at a resteraunt waiting to be seated, my mom had gone to the bathroom. As she was walking toward us, my dad leaned over and whispered to me, "look at her, she's so beautiful and what a classy lady." It was so cute to me, and I know that's what he always thinks of her. I love that. I hope that my own marriage can be as strong and as stable and satisfying!!!
Later,
Ally
Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006
