September 14, 2003 | 11:01 p.m.
<- Wondering if I'm enough ->

It's 11:00, I SHOULD be in bed. Tomorrow is my longest day of teaching, I'm tired even thinking of it. To make matters worse, apparently I'll have some parents in observing a couple of the classes. That just makes me sick to my stomach. As if I don't already think I suck enough, the pressure of someone watching me. What are they watching for? What if the kids are having a bad day and I can't keep them under control? Oh good grief! Sunday nights have become my most loathed time of the week, and that's just sad.

This day FLEW by. We slept in until about 10:30, and then just lazed the day away. There was regional conference, but I just wasn't up for trying to squeeze my fat tookus into one of those stadium seats, and didn't want to deal with parking, showering, whatever. I know I'll burn in hell for my heathenness, but I'll deal with that later. Anyway, I spent the last 5 1/2 hrs. doing laundry at my parents house. I HATE not having my own freaking washer and dryer. Can't WAIT until the prize money comes in and we get to buy our own.

Jer called as I pulled into the driveway, trying to lug my laundry and all my music books inside. He asked if he could stay at work until midnight. I found this a VERY odd request, since 1) He knows that I encourage ALL hours ever offered to him to be taken, and 2) he usually tries to work the bare minimum. So, he said they were working on the seasonal aisle, I said yes, stay of course. He said, he was hoping I'd say no. Honestly, what does my answer really have to do with anything? He's a grownup, he should just call and say, I'm working until midnight, see ya then. I don't get it. Then he asked if he could have our friend Trace over to watch a scary movie when he got off. Here's where I ::sigh::. If I say no, he throws a tantrum and says I'm mean, and don't let him have any fun. If I say yes, then it just continues to reinforce this behavior and he continues to expect that it's perfectly ok and normal to always have someone else in our home to play with. Frankly, it hurts me some, because I feel like I am and never will be enough. It's never ok for just the two of us to be alone. That's boring, we're not having enough fun. So, he always wants someone else to come over. I never claimed to be the most orthodox of people when it comes to our marriage. I hate clingy couples that can't ever spend any time apart, or have anyone else involved. So, I allow the friends over or him hanging out with other people. But, on the other hand, there are times that I just really LONG for normalcy. I really want to just have him, me and our house to ourselves. I want to go to bed at the same time, and talk about our day. I want to sit and talk to eachother and learn about things from him, not by reading his online diary or through other people. That doesn't happen ALL the time, and we really do talk, but still, it's frustrating. I just wonder if I'll ever be enough for him. It makes me tired. In the mean time, I have to go look over my lessons one more time and really prepare for the morning.


Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006

What Was | What Will Be

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