April 06, 2004 | 11:10 p.m.
<- WARNING! Depressing beginning and LONG entry ->
Sooooooo freakin tired! And yet, I push myself, and push myself to my absolute limit. I just can't help but feel, something is gonna give, and soon. For the first time in probably ever, I'm actually worried for my health. I know I don't sleep, I KNOW I have BAD sleep apnea, I know my body can't handle the weight it's carting around. I look tired all the time, my hair is a mess, my skin is a mess, I feel UGLY all the time. I'm so sick of my arms going numb, I'm tired of my fibro being out of control. So why can't I find the reserve and strength in me to get some willpower. To TAKE control of my life? Seriously, WHERE is it when I need it the most? I have to say, we're rehearsing for this show, this hysterical, fun, fun show, and I'm just not happy. As we rehearse, in a room with GIANT mirrors all along one wall, and I am forced to look at myself as I move, SIT (shudder at the hideousness of the sight), etc. it's incredibly disturbing and disheartening. I see the image and wonder to myself, how does ANYONE look at me and not gag, how do those kids at school look at me and tell me I"m beautiful or want to hug me. I'm so discouraged I don't WANT to be seen on stage, or watched. It's depressing really. I mean, actually, when I get ready in the morning, the face I see, is NOT the fact that shows up on pictures. The hair I see is NOT the hair that shows up in pictures either. I'm somewhat decent in the getting ready mirror (not the clothing mirror) but then I see a picture, and I'm just downright foul. You wonder how anyone lets them get to a point of being so large and so miserable. I wondered it too, but it's not like it's a conscious decision. It just sort of happens, and then one day, you're standing in front of the mirror going, what the hell happened. I know that part of my problem is, I have a thyroid that's gone haywire, and I have no medication to help it. So, when my thyroid started to die, I started gaining weight in places I'd never had weight before, and I gained it very quickly. I think I continue to gain it quickly, and feel like there is no end in sight. I know I need medication, I know I need help in a lot of areas. But, what does one do when they have no insurance? What do you do when you earn to much for access, and nowhere near enough to pay for cobra? What do you do when NO carrier will take you because you're fat? You suffer, that's what you do. I hope and pray that nothing catostrophical will happen. You put on a brave and smiley face and say everything is ok. But inside, you die a little bit. You cry, you worry and dread every little ache, creak, strange looking bump. Damn Bashas' and their bastard corporation for making sure we couldn't keep insurance. OY!@ anyway, my biggest worry right now is the sleep apnea. I just simply do not get any real sleep. It's taking it's toll!!! All I want is to sleep, to REALLY sleep, deep, uninterupted, peaceful, dreaming sleep. The kind where you actually feel rested in the morning. I don't think that is too much to ask. Is it? And after that, all I really want is a bra that will seriously hold these boulders up! A bra that fits perfectly, and has support for the 80 lb. mofo's hanging on my chest. Ugh!
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Changing the subject...today is a friend of mines birthday. We were friends when we were little kids, grew up on the same street. She now lives back in the house her parents built, but now it's her and her husband and three kids. We're still "friends" but more good acquaintances. But, I always remember that today is her birthday. I also always remember, when we were 6 yrs. old, and we walked home from school everyday together, we made up a little song. It goes to the little jingle that used to be sung about "Woodsy", the whole help Woodsy spread the word campaign, be clean, etc. Does anyone remember this? Ok, well our version went a little something like this:
Help Woodsie spread the word
Always be a dirty bird
Never take that good advice
Never eat your spinach and rice.
I remember walking home from school singing that at the TOP of our lungs all the way. And then laughing and giggling, because we were sure we were the cleverest naughtiest little girls there ever were. And how odd that 25 yrs. later, I still remember those dumb little lyrics like it was yesterday. yet, I can't remember what I wore today, or who I talked to. The mind is an amazing thing.
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Jer and Trace are in the other room watching Brother Bear, apparently it was a funny little movie, 'cause they were laughing a lot. I want to see that movie, but I came in here to read e-mail instead. Then I had a long conversation with my favorite gay man, replied to some e-mails and then started writing this. I truly only got on to write, I'm tired and then post. Oops! THAT didn't happen.
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In other news, I just saw today that Wifemotherme put me on as one of her favorites. Who the HECK knew? I certainly didn't. I had no idea she read me, or even knew who I was. Somehow, I feel cool for a moment.
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Shout out to my friend JUNIPER here's hoping you get to feeling better!!!
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Well, it appears the movie is over. It's time for me to pretend to get some sleep now!!!
SORRY for the super depressing beginning. If you're still here reading this, thanks for sticking with it!!!
Goodnight all
Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006
