August 31, 2004 | 12:20 a.m.
<- Diarist Shmireist....I'll never be "cool" enough for you ->

It's 12:20 a.m., I REALLY should not be writing. I SHOULD be in bed, because I am FREAKING tired!

I just read some entries by people I don't usually read, that's always an interesting way to pass some time. There is this whole "diarists awards" thing, and I'm just bemused/amused by them. I mean really, who sits around and reads ALL those diaries and puts them up for nominations. And what does it mean anyway. So 100 people thought your diary entry was super the coolest, who cares? I just don't get it. Maybe it's because I have 1, but possibly 6 regular readers and I'll NEVER be up for such an award. Maybe I'm jealous, except for NOT AT ALL. I'm not jealous, I just don't GET it. So, if anyone out there happens to read this diary and HAPPENS to understand the world of cliquesh diary writers and their awards, please FILL ME IN!!!

Wow, I suddenly just got super hot! I was typing along and boom, I'm sweating. What's up with that? It could be the 50 lb. mellons I ever so gracefully carry around on my chest. I swear to you, it's hotter than the fire of a thousand suns under each of them. And when I'm braless, my arms are encumbered by them. Whyyyyyyyyy, whyyy was I cursed with such huge boobies? I'm having words with the man someday abbout this, and the fact that I have a flat ass. I realize that he compensated by making me freaking cool, and stuff, but please, I'd give up 50% of the cool for a skinny body and size C's. Alright fine, 75% of the cool, NO MORE,I refuse to be a total nerd just for the good body. Yeah, does anyone remember when I said I shouldn't be writing in here right now? This would be why. I'm in an emotionally distraught state.

I had a student randomly call and say he couldn'take lessons this semester because of his schedule, and then, another student came tonight, and when she was done, told me she couldn't come anymore, and her little sister couldn't either. Just like that, I lost 3 students, 180 bucks a month. I was alreay down some students, and this was just the final blow to my already precarious emotional state. She left and I just lost it. I went to my room and cried, because I can't take the mounting debt and the no money in sight anymore. I don't know HOW I'm gonna pay the bills this month, I don't know how we're ever gonna get out of the credit card debt we're in. I don't know WHEN Jer is gonna find a job. It was just too much! So, after I prayed for awhile I got up off the floor and decided to do laundry. I mean, it seemed the logical thing to do, throw the whites in for a washing. So, I stood outside by my washer and cried, and tried to get it under control. When I came back inside I was still a little weepy, and I wasn't expecting Jer to be standing right there. He asked if I was ok, I just cried harder. I led him to the bedroom and just unloaded in a torrent of tears. He stood and listened sweetly, and when I finsihed, he said, "ok, I'm getting a job tomorrow." (Side note: it's not that he hasn't been trying, he has made some effort, and things just keep falling through) So, his Mom and sis were over here and I told him I just couldn't handle having them here anymore. I needed alone time, I needed to deal and to process and to cry in peace. He went out, they asked why I was crying, he told them and next thing I know they're standing in my dark bedroom hugging me and saying "welcome to our world." Well good [email protected] That's really sweet and all, but I believe this is what I was trying to avoid. I didn't want anyone giving me consolation words right then. I just wanted to cry and bemoan my poorness by myself. OY! So, they stood there for a few minutes, trying to make me feel better and then hugged me two more times and finally left. I got up, walked to the kitchen and cried as I unloaded the dishwasher. Jer informed me that crying wasn't going to solve the problem. Well, no shit sherlock, but sometimes, you just can't help it. So, he just headed for the computer and started filling out applications and sending out resumes. For the record, I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I really do! He's a wonderful and amazing man. He's a phenomenal worker when he has a job. He's a HARD worker, and not afraid to do the "crappy" part of jobs. Unfortunately, it's hard for him to like his jobs for very long. He has serious ADD and gets bored fast. But, tonight, when I came in after he'd left to help some friends move, I saw two of the applications he'd filled out and sent online. My heart was just full, and my love for him grew. I just love him and his desire to do the right thing. So, here's for hoping that there is a job in the very near future with his name on it. Here's to getting out of debt. Here's to HOPING!

In case anyone is wondering, the callbacks for SEcret Garden went AMAZINGLY well. I still can't believe the talent that showed up to audition. No director should be so lucky! And how's this for bizarro world, I actually have too many men. I HAVE TOO MANY MEN, in a music theatre show. In case you're wondering, that NEVER happens. Usually people are out begging for men to come fill out their cast. I'm so lucky!!!! I have to say, I cast who I wanted to cast, it wasn't too big a struggle. I was forced to double cast a few roles, which I simply despise. BUT, the music director had some good points, so double cast it was. I'm really excited for the show, I think it's gonna be fabulous. However, I"m super uber freaked out right now, because I, well, I just am! This is a big deal ya'll, a BIG deal! Today was first rehearsal, which means we did the meet and greet and get to know, I made some really grand speech, handed out some character analysis assignment stuff and then we did a read through and costume measurements. It all went smoothly, excpet for the part where I literally had to run out of the room or else pooey in my pants. My stomach has not been happy for a couple of days now. Yeah, that was good times!

Saturday night Jer and I went on a double date with Bridgey and Natedog, it was really fun. We went and saw "The Last Five Years" which was an interesting show. There were some direction things that weren't all that great and the guy lead did body rolls and head bobbing the entire time he sang, but other than that....enjoyable. After the show, we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. Ok, ummm, why has everyone been keeping THAT a secret from me? They have the yummiest freaking rolls and cinnamon butter EVER! Yeah, so it was good times. Nate and Bridgey had a good time and we think there might be a second date on the horizon. good times!

Whell, it's nearly 1 a.m. and I'm really tired. I'm trying to brake myself of this bad habit of going to bed so ridiculously late. Jer and I talked about it today and we decided that we need to go to bed earlier for our health and our sanity. So, wish us luck [email protected]!

Looks like Jer is done helping Trace and Dabs move, and is finishing his diet coke before coming home. So, I'll bid thee all a fond adieu!

And LASTLY.....19 hours and counting until THE AMAZING RACE!! Who will shave their heads? Who will be eliminated? The suspense is killing me!!!

Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006

What Was | What Will Be

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