December 12, 2004 | 10:12 p.m.
<- Depression = Sucky and other ramblings ->

So, my husband suffers from depression, BIG FAT MAJOR depression. Now, this isn't a newsflash, it's not new, I kinda knew it going in to the relationship. However, it was always somewhat manageable, but the last year has just been SUCKY! In September or August he FINALLY got some medication for the problem. He didn't feel like it did anything for him, but oh how it did something for him. Well, he ran out of said meds in October (it was trial run with the doc, before we had insurance, etc.) And then for most of November he was ok. But, a few weeks ago I commented to Trace, he was in a downward spiral and it wasn't looking pretty. It pretty much came to a crashing halt on Friday night and there aren't any good outlooks in the near future. He's bitter, upset, sad, whatever....about EVERYTHING. Right now he's inconsolable that he didn't win an i-pod at his work Christmas party this evening. What's making him madder....his name got called, there was one i-pod left (all had been packaged cleverly, so you wouldn't know what was in what box) and there was a voucher for an airline that would have paid for a trip back to Chicago for him. Well, he knew EXACTLY where the voucher was, but was just sure this other thing he picked would be that ever ellusive i-pod. So, he picked door number three, and wouldn't you know, NO i-pod, just a 25 buck gift card to Starbucks. So, instead of just going, shoot, that sucks. He's PISSED, hates the world, everyone is out to get him and make him miserable. Beating himself up for NOT picking the known voucher. HATING the people who did get i-pods. He walked in the door, announced he was going to bed. Walked back to kiss me, took his clothes off, headed to the shower and then went to bed. Oh, he had to shower 'cause the party was at a bowling alley and he smelled like smoke. Anyway, I just don't get it. And really, for this I'm grateful. I'm glad that I don't suffer with this horrid disease. I'm thankful that I have normal, rational thoughts. But, I wish I could understand more of what happens in his head, because it is one CRAZY messed up head. He told me this afternoon he wished I could be in his head for one day, just so I could know what it was like to be him. I politely declined. Why do people have to suffer from this? I just don't get it. I don't understand why it's such a rampant problem all over the world. Why are so many people lacking coping mechanisms in their head, why must they be in pain, be so sad, stop being productive members of society? When I think about how many people have depression, and all the people I know and what it does to their lives, it pisses me off. However, I can't dwell on that. I have to figure out how to listen to my husband, how to help him recognize he DOES have worth as a person. How to help him realize that quitting is not the answer. He's a total quitter, and that is just NOT ok. So, I'm calling the doctor first thing in the morning, setting up an appointment 'cause A) he's getting sick with strep AGAIN, and B) he needs more meds STAT! and C) I need to get my own plus size ass in there and figure out what the hey ho is wrong with my female systems. Frankly, I'm done with the never ending bloodshed. DONE!!! And while I'm at it, I'll have him give me thyroid medicine so the insanity of my hormones and fatness can have a chance, and then I'll get iron pills for the total lack of iron in my system, and THEN we can discuss my fibrmyalgia and my feet problems and whatever else is ailing me. And I SHOULD do this fast, 'cause goodness knows, we could be out of insurance before I know it. So, that's what's happening around here.

I really meant to write a couple of times sooner. We had this DELIGHTFUL cold and rainy streak, and I wanted to write about that. I was gonna write about the night that I actually went to bed before midnight and then at midnight the phone rang, and the conversation went something like this.

LANNERS: Are you in bed?
ME: Yeah, sort of.
LANNERS: Well, I MADE a midnight SNACK!
ME: say what?
LANNERS: Cinnamon rolls just came out of the oven.
ME: SAy no more, I'll be there in a mo.

So, I put on some shoes and my jacket and walked over to her back door. I was greeted by the yumminess of fresh cinnamon rolls and milk. I ate two, felt TOTALLY sick and then we proceeded to talk and hang out for nearly 3 hours. Ports was snoring in the other room, and at about 1:30 Jer opened the back door, glared at me and said, "what the hell is wrong with you." then turned around and walked away. Apparently he'd woken up and realized I was gone, couldn't find me in the house, thought my keys were gone, called Trace, she didn't know where I was and he was panicked and then pissed. But people, what was I s'posed to do, wake him from a sound sleep to let him know I'd be going for some fresh sweetness at the neighbors? Anyway, when he left, I just turned and looked at Lanners and giggled. Then we talked for another hour. It was so fun, and one of those moments where I thought, life doesn't get better. I have the greatest sis in law, and I LOVE having them live right by us. That very same night(morning) after I'd come home and snuggled into bed, I proceeded to have a FREAKY ass dream, probably due to the overload of sugar. Anyway, I had been stealing info in this large company about people and giving it to my bro in law. Well, we were now standing outside the building, he was there desk and all, and he was trying to give me back all my info. I wasn't thrilled with this setup, as I felt we'd get caught. Sure enough, next thing I know there are a lot of scarey people coming towards us, trying to get my precious info. So, I take off running, and somewhere in the run I turned into my bro. in law, except that really I was Matt Damon in Bournce Identity. I was a fighting machine, trained to kill, and I was being attacked by two domenatrixy spy chicks also trained to kill. So, they had me on my back, on the ground, one on either side. I handily grabbed a fire place poker and jabbed it through the cheek of one, and had her pinned to the wall. She acted as if nothing had happened. The other one was about to grab me and make me unable to fight, so I pulled back and let out the fiercest punch possible. AND, said punch landed squarely on Jers sleeping jaw. Yeah, I full out punched Jer in his drooling slumber. I woke up immediately, horrified, because I realized what I'd done. He woke up PISSED that I'd just cold cocked him. All I could do was apologize profusely, and HOPE that he'd forgive me. He rolled over the other way, I lay there trying not to giggle at the ridiculousness of the situation. Eventually I got up and went to the bathroom and there I giggled freely. It wasn't funny, and yet sooooo funny. See, wasn't that worth sharing.

Also of worth, I'm LOVING the holiday card exchange. I usually get 2 new cards every day. FUN! I have all my cards, now I just need to fill them out and buy stamps and send them. NO worries, it'll happen.

My aunt called me last week and offered me an obscene amount of money if I'd just go out to her house for a day or so and help her decorate for Christmas and do centerpieces for her sons wedding dinner. Uh, YEAH!!! I love this aunt to a ridiculous degree and would have done it for free. But, I need money and money talks. So, I had a fabulous day and a half with her, and made BANK! Thank goodness for small miracles. We had another small miracle when Jers check this week was for way more than we expected. I actually paid all the bills, AND tithting and we still have well, like 10 bucks in the bank, but whatever.

Found out that some VERY good friends of ours who had given up on having children...are PREGNANT! They were infertile, nothing had happened in 8 years of marriage, they'd been told it wasn't gonna happen, etc. They were in the process of working on adoption, and then it was all different. She bought a pair of jeans a couple weeks before Thanksgiving, wore them, all was well. Day after Thanksgiving she tried to put them on and they didn't fit at all. She thought she'd eaten to much and gained a bunch of weight. She weighed herself and had actually lost 5 pounds. This made no sense and then she thought, could I be? NO! She immediately went to the store and bought 3 pregnancy tests. Took the first one, instantly positive. She figured she did it wrong. Read EVERY direction again, took another, positive again. So, then she convinced herself it was some form of cancerous tumor. But, got in to see a doctor that Friday and wouldn't you know, she wasn't just pregnant, she was TWENTY weeks pregnant. Now that my friends is a miracle. She has not been sick ONE day, didn't feel a thing. She'd been feeling the baby apparently, but thought it was gas. It's just the funnest most exciting thing ever. So, they're bouncing off the walls, and putting together a nursery and planning for a baby in oh so short a time. Good times. That's how I'd like it to happen to me. It makes the wait super short AND no sickness.

Jers sister is in town, she came for a surprise visit. I feel bad because Jer has only seen her once the entire time she's been here. He just doesn't have ANY time. I got to hang out with her last Wed., taking her and her friend shopping at the mall. They're so backwoodsy, it's funny.

Thursday morning I went to the old school to help the new music teacher teach the kids sign language for Silent NIght. It was fun to see all my old 4th and 5th graders another year older. As I was showing it to them, and talking to them, I realized I actually missed those kids and teaching them. It was a strange realization and I quickly put it out of my mind. I was talking to my sis about it, she said, "I KNEW you missed it." But then I said, I don't miss the stress of coming up with lessons every week. And I would have had to come up with ALL new stuff this year, and YIKES! Overwhelming!!! Their concert is next Thursday, I'll so totally be there.

Well, I just thought I'd lost this whole entry and it really made me hyperventilate! So, I think I'm gonna sign off. Besides my left ovary or something is hurting. I need a new position to sit in. AND, my arms hurt, don't know why. I'm just a walking mess of a human. PATHETIC!

Later, and if for some reason I get to lazy to update before Christmas. Merry Christmas to all!!

Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006

What Was | What Will Be

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