May 26, 2005 | 12:03 a.m.
<- Why Carrie? Sadness ->

I'm SAD! I guess there just aren't any other words to describe it. Just SAD! I have hope that someday Jer and I will be able to talk to eachother without it ending in someone being mad, angry, upset, or whatever. I can't seem to get it right. No matter how I react to him, it's wrong. Tonight, I wasn't "hearing him" and to be perfectly honest, he was right to a degree. However, because he NEVER talks to me about what's going on in his world, I have NO idea what's going on. So, tonight when he's saying he has so much to do, and is so overwhelmed by this, that and the other, it's all news to me. He's wanting to back out of the kids workshop, and I feel like it's a little late to do that, since it starts NEXT week. But he accuses me of only seeing dollar signs. And, I'm not gonna lie, I DO see that, because it's a substantial amount of money we'd lose. However, when he said that, I did recognize that he was right. Maybe I didn't recognize it out loud, but in my heart I knew he was right. So, I was trying to figure it out, and figure out what he was so stressed about. And I said, "well you'd better call SA in the morning and tell her you can't do it." For some reason that PISSED him off. He put his head phones on and started rocking furiously. I tried to ask him a question, tried to stop him, and he yelled at me and told me he did NOT want to talk to me and to get off him. I told him I didn't realize he was so stressed, didn't know all of the stuff he was worried about, etc. and that I recognized that the workshop was just too much for him right now. So, why did it make him so mad that I said to call SA. He REFUSED to speak to me. I just DON'T get it. I really don't. And then it makes me so sad. I really should be in bed, but I just can't sleep. I layed there for awhile trying to process it all, and I was too wide awake to sleep. I'm s'posed to get up really early, get ready for the day, take him to school and then go to the dentist, run by the college, take care of some paperwork, etc. We'll see how it all works out. I read so many other diaries/blogs of people I know, adn those I don't, and they talk about their husbands, relationships etc. and it creates an ache in me. They actually go home to hang out with their husbands, have conversations with them, discuss their plans. I'd love all those things, but I'm married to someone who doesn't see the value in it. I don't ever write in here because I never know what to say. Sometimes it all seems to overwhelming to dredge up and talk about. Sometimes things are going just fine and it doesn't seem worth talking about. I don't know. The only upside is, we DID start seeing a counselor at the beginning of the month. She is awesome! Our friend reccommended her, says she did wonders for them and their marriage. So, we went once together and the counselor could see right away that it wasn't necissarily us together that needed the counseling as much as it was us individually. So, we're trading off every other week, he goes, I go. I actually went 2 weeks in a row, 'cause he couldn't get away from school. I went on Tuesday and it was a good session. See, if I was cool and all prolific in writing I'd write all about it, but frankly that seems like too much work. Suffice it to say, I'm a nurturer, ALWAYS have been, and apparently somewhere along the line, I never got nurtured back, not to the extent that my soul needs it. I nurtured myself out, and now my heart and soul are empty and begging for someone, something to nurture it, to fill me with life and happiness. I have felt a little dead inside for a very long time. There is NOTHING that excites me truly, or that just brings me total joy. Well, that's not true. Jer doing things unexpectedly for me brings me so much happiness. Or Jer acknowledging me and sharing himself with me fills me and makes me happy. I'm very hopeful that with this counseling we'll be able to find ourselves and in turn be able to strengthen our marriage and make it lasting. Sigh, but until then, it's gonna be a long bumpy road, and I'm already tired.

So, on to new subjects, 'cause we all know I can't be all soul baring and serious for THAT long. I'm really lit that Bo didn't win American Idol. I REALLLLLLLLLLLY liked him and wanted him to win. Ok, truly I loved Constantine the most, and I was all giddy and silly when he was on the show tonight. But, as far as the final two, I think they're both really talented, and I like Carrie, I do, but she's BORING. Bo has so much stage persence and personality and a great voice and I just DIG him! I KNOW, he'll be fine and make records and all that, but dammit, can't someone I want EVER win. I mean, I had to settle for Clay getting second, which we all know was a total CROCK!!!! Did anyone else think the whole spoof on Paulas troubles with Corey Clark was hysterical? And I also thought Matt the big football player guy who was in OK with Carries fans, I thought he was funny. And finally, how in the hell did Mikayla and Lindsey end up with Baby Face? I mean really, he was the most recognizable person up there besides Rascall Flats, and he's certainly one of the most respected people in the business, and he ended up with the 2 worst people (besides hideous and foul Scott Savol of course) on the show. I would love to know how THAT got chosen.

Announcement: I'm getting gastric! Woo freaking HOO! I can NOT wait. I'm hoping to get in and get it done in August. Must send in my damn paper work TOMORROW so I can get my consult appointment. I simply can't wait to get this done. I'm READY to have it done, to change my life, to not be a fat blob of a human ANYMORE!!!

Oh, had a tooth pulled...that was good times. My far back left molar, had to go. It broke a couple of years ago, and I'd felt pieces of it go at different times, but it NEVER hurt for one second. Well, never hurt until a week or so ago. Then the pain, she was a bitch. So, I called the dentist and said, EMERGENCY!! Went in and said, don't want to deal with a root canal, the expense, the time, the pain, so just yank the bad boy! So, he was the most amazing dentist EVER, and I'll go to him until the day I die. He made it a VERY painless procedure, even though my roots are truly an inch long and they were wide and splayed. He got it out in one piece and it was really foul. The decay had finally made it to the root, thus the pain. Most of the center of the tooth and part of the backside were gone. They might not have even been able to save it, so I feel pretty good about tooth pull. However, it is a bit wierd feeling and I'm a little worried about the bottom tooth shifting and being wierd. There is still a little, wee bit of discomfort with it, but not bad. I never even had to take a pain pill, so props to the dentist on that one. I go tomorrow for a cleaning, I'm in NEED! Hopefully they'll be able to tell me how it's healing and such. And for the record, I take good care of my teeth. I'm a brushing freak, I floss, I even have a pick and clean out the plaque and stuff. I was just born with stupid, weak bad teeth tahnks to my Mom. Just didn't want anyone thinking I'm all foul and dirty and have decaying teeth in my head to do my bad oral hygiene.

I hate being poor, I hate stressing over money constantly. I hate money and all the evil it brings. Why can't Oprah just give me 100 thousand and call it a day. That would be like NOTHING to her, a drop in the proverbial bucket if you will. UGH!

Well, I need to go do something mind numbing for awhile.


Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006

What Was | What Will Be

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