March 22, 2006 | 12:06 a.m.
<- The question is.....WHY? ->

Ridiculous! I can NOT sleep! My mind is racing, I'm suspiciously not tired, and here I sit. I NEED to be asleep, I MUST go to the gym at 6:00 a.m., I have a lot to do tomorrow, and yet, here I am. Wierd, wierd, downer, depressing day. I don't know where it came from, or why it started, but wow, I was under a seriously heavy depression cloud today. I just really feel and I guess realized strongly that in a classroom is really not where I belong. It's not that I HATE my current job, because I don't. But, I just KNOW that teaching children in a classroom is NOT for me. It isn't what I'm meant to be donig. It isn't what I love, or even really like. I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time, and totally just B.S. my way through. And I guess it freaks me out, because we need the money so bad, and I don't know what the hell else I'm s'posed to do. I mean, I have my private students, which I need more of, but that isn't enough. Well, it would be enough if I had 30 students, and could stand to teach THAT many. So, what do I do in the meantime? I know that teaching at a college is really what I would excell at and what I would love. But THAT would require a freaking Masters Degree, and that just overwhelms me all the more. Why do I hate school so much? Why am I really just the laziest person on the planet? Why can't HGTV just freaking figure out that I'm s'posed to win the Dream House and the money, so then I could sell it and have enough money to pay for life. I'm telling you, it's just dumb. And then, I realize I have NO RIGHT to complain or whine like a baby. I am SO FREAKING blessed in so many ways. I have a fabulous family, I have the gospel, I have great friends, I have talents, I have a beautiful home, and plenty to eat, I have cars, jobs. I have SO much! So, get over your damn self you say. Well, ok, I'm trying.

In other news of the wierd and sad...my sister in laws oldest brother killed himself yesterday. He was a really nice guy who had just had the most horrific year of his life. Basically he'd lost everything over the last year. He was a really successful Dentist in Utah, decided to open a second practice, which turned out to be a horrible business decision. He filed Bankruptcy, then another Dentist from Oregon wanted to trade practices. So, he moved his family to Oregon and his wife promptly took the kids and left him. She strung him along for almost a year, and then finally decided to divorce him. Meanwhile, he gave up the Oregon practice, moved to Colorado for like 5 minutes, and then decided to move back to Utah and start over, so he could be close to his three beautiful children. In the meantime, he was recently diagnosed with Bi-polar. So, I guess it just all finally became too much to bear and he shot himself. His parents are the ones who found him, and they're not dealing very well right now. It just breaks my heart so much. I'm sad that this poor man lost so much, that he was to a point in his life where he'd lost ALL hope and all strength. Sad for his family, sad for it all. My Sis in law is understandably freaking out, and all I can do is just pray for her and her family.

I also just found out that a couple that I knew fairly well have left the church, like removed their names left the church. I'm in such shock over this, I don't even know what to think. When I hear things like this, it just breaks my heart. I wonder what went so wrong, where did they get so lost? This is a couple that both served missions, married in the Temple, active always. Apparently the husband got involved with a lot of antis, and the wife, while still always active, just got sick of fighting her husband over it, so chose to leave with him. I DON'T GET IT! I know a lot of people like that, people that turn their backs on the truth. The truth is right there, the blessings are evident and yet they walk away. My own brother is one like that. Well, he teeters on the edge continually. Wants to live the life of partier, worldliness, do as he wishes, but go to church too. He only believes in what is convenient to him, and it KILLS me that his kids are growing up so confused. I mean, I understand hardship, I understand questioning your faith at times, questioning why God allows certain things. But, I do NOT understand turning your back completely on your testimony, on the truth. God is so kind and merciful, and he's always there, the answers are always there, if you're just willing to look, and put forth a little effort. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DAMN BLIND AND STUBBORN?

I'd better quit there, because as we all know I'm a rambler, and I tend to stop making sense and then I might say something that makes me sound stupid and/or uninformed. But it all just comes down to this...I KNOW that the church is TRUE. I KNOW that God is real, Jesus is the Christ and that no matter what, you don't turn your back and walk away from that.

And for a completely uncouth jump of subjects, lets discuss American Idol.

Chris Daughtry is SO my boyfriend. Yes, I know, not his strongest vocal, but holy freaking crap, he's amazing! I heart his voice oh so much! Mandisa did a lovely job tonight, and she looked good too. Katherine McPhee DOES give me McFever! She's just freaking beautiful, and effortless. I adore Taylor because he's gifted, AND he's hysterical to watch. Elliott has a great voice, though I didn't really love his song tonight. Paris bugs the crap out of me, Lisa was only ok, Kelly CRACKS me up, and did a good job tonight. Ace was mediocre, but he deserves to stay. Bucky was, well I just don't have words, he sucked some serious balls! And that leaves us with, you know who....Kevin I sucked more ass than ever Covais. Why the blankety blank bleepy blank do they patronize him so much? I have such a burning, seething, loathing hatred for him being on this show, it's not natural. All I can say is, when he stays past people that he shouldn't (aka anyone other than Bucky) then all Hell is gonna break loose in the VP house!!! On another note, I think Barry Manilow and I would get along swimmingly! I am COMPLETELY about telling the story of the song when I sing. I wish I could sing for him. But alas, I'm too old, too fat, and so NOT American Idol material.

Amazing Race was fun, not overly stressful or exciting, but fun. The hippies are cracking me up more and more. Their little backwards walk into the pitt stop, and then saying "Look, it's Santa" that was just priceless! I'm glad the Mom and Daughter are gone, they were buggy. I'm really liking MoJo more and more, so I was glad to see them not get the boot. What the hell is up with the disgusting frat boys? I could not loathe them anymore. They're so disgusting, and retarded. I mean seriously, do they not THINK about the camera recording their disgusting word vomits? Did he really use the phrase tonsil hockey? Ewwww! LOSERS!

Tomorrow brings me a fresh Americas Next Top Model, AI kick off, AND I get to watch tonights season opener of Blowout! Oh Jonathan, how I love your obnoxious self loving ass!!

Ok, I think this helped me, so now I can go to sleep!!

Peace out!

Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006

What Was | What Will Be

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