June 20, 2005 | 9:05 p.m.
<- Workshop House ->

Life is one constant roller coaster, and I'm not sure whether I'm coming, going, up or down most days.

We're in our final week of kids workshop, and I'm ready for it to be over. The first 2 week session was just awful. None of us were on the ball or knew what we were doing. I just felt like an idiot most of the time, we were all sure the show would be a giant disaster. Of course, it all turned out, and it was actually a good show. This session has gone MUCH smoother, as it always does. This is a much older group of kids, therefore a totally different dynamic than last session. I've enjoyed these last 2 weeks, mostly because the stress level is significantly less. Anyway, we move to the theater on Wed. and then the show is on Friday and Saturday. We're totally ready, it should be a great one. But holy CRAP, I'm TIRED! I'm exhausted to levels I haven't experienced before. My body is not working, my knees hurt so bad, sometimes I can barely walk to my car. My back hurts, my feet hurt. Needless to say, my house is grosser than it has EVER been. We all call it "workshop house", it's a nice excuse really. I know I complain a lot a bout my house, but that's because I'm OCD about cleanliness and tidy order. Well, it's shot to hell now. I can't get myself motivated enough, or feeling good enough to get anything done. Jers school stuff is literally spread over the entire family room. It's KILLING me! Our bathroom is not even open for discussion. The dust bunnies have formed their own rogue army and I fear they will kill us in our sleep any night now. It's scarey really, and I just keep wondering when I might get enough stamina back to do the cleaning that needs to be done. I wanted to do it tonight, but every time I stand up and do more than 5 steps, my hip and back hurts so bad I can't stand for another second. Bah!! Currently I'm attacking the pile of laundry that has threatened to take over our room.

In other areas of the roller coaster life. I just feel soooooo freaking stupid! How is it that I am so damn trusting all the time. Jer has NEVER proven himself to be trustworthy really. Everytime I do trust so blindly, it comes back to bite me in the ass. A lie is revealed, something happens. So, on a certain subject, I would ask how he was doing with things, and he'd say fine, or it hadn't happened in a long time, or whatever, and I BELIEVED him. So yesterday, we were driving to my sisters house and he just cavalierly says that he did this particular thing every day and that he wasn't gonna do it anymore. And then informs me that he isn't doing it anymore because he thouht about it, and his reason for wanting a divorce are dumb. But, he had already made an appointment to see a lawyer or something, and proceed with divorcing me. All this, and I had NO idea. I was under the assumption that we were WORKING on our marriage. That we were working on ourselves and our life together. So, the point is, he's NOT going to pursue a divorce right now, but he's just really confused and doesn't know what he wants. No shit Sherlock, of course you're confused, because you're hiding and running from all things that can bring you close to God, that can strengthen your resolve. You're confused because you have some glamorous vision of what life would be like single, without restrictions. You're not doing anything you're s'posed to be doing regarding us, yourself, church, etc. When we met he was so sure of his testimony and so sure of himself and his capabilities. Somewhere along the way he's become lazy, hardened and unable to recognize what he's lost. So, I was not able to get to sleep last night at all. I just lay there, crying, thinking, wondering why the hell this was all happening. Wondering why he's so willing to give up so easily. I asked him why he was, and his answer was, "I'm not, I'm not." Then he gives me a love rub and turns over. To add to this confusion...almost every day he says, "I love you so much right now." Or he's fondling me, or talking about future things. So what is the truth? You're talking about future things, but in your mind your planning a divorce? I DON'T get it? How are we ever s'posed to have a chance to make it if he's not giving it a 100% honest effort? I'm willing to suffer through the pain, to do what it takes to make it work. I KNOW we're together for a reason. I KNOW what he's capable of. I KNOW he CAN be an amazing person. He just can't see it. He's so busy hating himself, resenting God, me, the church, his Mom, the dog next door, whoever that he can't see his worth, and he can't see past himself to actually give of himself and feel happiness. Sooooooooooo exhausting!!! And frankly, I don't think it helps at all that there are people out there that tell him he SHOULD do certain things that totally go against our religious beliefs. It doesn't help that there are assholes claiming to be his friend, or my friend too, but willing to get him things that he has no business having. A person doing that, pulling him away from his faith and his wife, is NOT a friend! A friend is someone that would encourage him to TALK to his wife, to share his feelings with her instead of everyone else in the world. A real friend would encourage him to follow his faith, to be honest in all he does, etc. But apparently, there aren't many "real" friends out there!
AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!! I'm just so freaking sick of being sad and empty! And one final thought. A few weeks ago, this man (that I used to babysit his kids, and was friends with his wife, knew them from church) showed up in church out of the blue (they live in Idaho now). I was leading the music, but I recognized him at the back of the chapel. So, later, I was sitting in Relief Society when someone said there was someone who wanted to talk to me. I got up and went in the hall. There was this man, I'll call him Joe. He wrapped his arms around me in a big hug, you know the good to see you, how are you kind. And then he did the strangest thing. He held me tight, then backed up enough to look me in the eyes and said, "You are beautiful, do you know that?" "You deserve to be loved." He knows NOTHING of my life right now, or my marriage, etc. So, I just thought, what a strange thing to say. But, as I've thought about it, I just have to wonder if the Lord wasn't saying something to me right there. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED. I SHOULD be loved. Truly, deeply, respectfully, honestly loved. I think about it a lot, I wonder what it will feel like. I hope I find out someday....someday soon.

To change the subject, I go tomorrow for my first class before gastric. I have to take 2 other classes next month, and I have a consult on the 30th. Then hopefully I'll get this done. I can NOT wait to get the surgery. I just can't freakin take my life and size one moment more.

Saw National Treasure for the first time yesterday. I LOVED it. I thought the humor in it was fabulous, and overall it was just an enjoyable movie. Finally saw "Finding Neverland" and I liked that too. I have to say, it's the best Johnny Depp has ever looked, and that could simply be because he was completely NORMAL in this movie.

Well, this has probably been enough gutt spilling for one night. I need to go switch the laundry out and maybe scrub the toilet.


Change, she is a comin! - November 24, 2006
Little bit of nothin - September 14, 2006
That DID happen! - August 10, 2006
Dinner with famous friends - August 05, 2006
Morningstar - August 04, 2006

What Was | What Will Be

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